Plan B

How often does life go as planned? Half the time? Maybe 25% of the time? For me, very little goes as planned despite my constant attempts to control every teensy outcome. I’m not particularly good at going with the flow. In fact, I’m scared of water, especially the flowing kind. I worry that I’ll lose control, go under and drown. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m a control freak and I’m afraid of water. Water is so intense and unpredictable, and literally uncontrollable, unless you are a dam, which I’m not. It’s a constant practice for me to remember what I can control–my actions and my thoughts. I can stay positive, practice swimming, be cautious and wear a life vest. I can’t, however, dictate the tide, the waves, or the current. IMG_9067 There’s a cheesy, ugly poster in my fertility doctor’s office that says: Life is all about how you handle plan B.” I say it’s cheesy, but every time I’m in there these words strike me. Sometimes I feel like I’m on plan E or F in certain areas of my life, but that’s not the point. The point is that even though we may hope and pray for something to turn out a certain way, doesn’t mean that it will happen. AKA, that job, that house, that relationship, that baby, that school, that opportunity. I stare at that hideous, colorful poster and it asks me, “How are you coping with the unexpected challenges that you tried to control and couldn’t, Tobi? Are you trusting the process or digging your heals into the dirt?”

Looking back at my twenties, not much has gone according to my “plan.” I would imagine that most of your could say the same. I now know that it was a blessing that I didn’t get the job that I begged for on my knees. I know that pain makes us stronger. I know that a breakup can be a rebirth. I know that just when we think that all is lost, something beautiful sprouts up in front of us like a Spring tulip in a muddy flower bed. So, why do we try in vain to steer our ship into the storm, yanking the wheel with white knuckles, while pulling our rapidly greying hair out ALL for the sake of our plan!? Because it’s hard to float, to kick our feet up and tip our heads back and trust that we will end up right where we are supposed to be. But, we must do this, and we WILL find ourselves in the right place at the perfect time.

XO, Tobi