This thing that happened to me
I wrote this post about 5 months ago, mostly to get it out of my head, but until now, I just couldn’t publish it. It makes me feel vulnerable and like people will make judgements and think that I want to be coddled. I’m not looking for sympathy, maybe just relation and release. Last week I was listening to the radio and heard that Beyoncé shared that she had a miscarriage two years ago. Thanks to her, I now feel like a have a small platform for this post. She stated that it was “the saddest thing” that she had ever been through. Her words made me cry, it felt like she was speaking for me–validating me. I can’t tell you another time that I’ve been so moved by a pop-star, and I’m slightly embarrassed to admit it, but I feel empowered to finally post my most intimate of posts.
I found out I was pregnant on August 26th, 2012–six months ago yesterday. We were not planning this, just patiently hoping that maybe one day it would happen to us. My period was late by almost 2 weeks, but since I’d been irregular in the past, I wasn’t concerned, but decided to take a test as a ‘rule-out’.
It was 9am on Sunday and I was sitting in my bathroom, still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I hadn’t even shut the bathroom door when I pulled out a stray pregnancy test, peed on it, and set it on the edge of the bath tub. A few minutes later, after washing my hands, stretching and yawning, I glanced over at the stick. I couldn’t believe what I saw…a ‘pregnant’ result? A pregnant result! Not knowing what to think, I instinctively slammed and locked the bathroom door. What do I do?! Do I tell Matt now? No, I’ll keep it to myself until the timing is right. I hid the test in the bathroom closet.
I attempted to pull it together before walking into the kitchen. Right away he looked up from the paper at me and asked, “Are you OK? Why did you slam the door?”
I could only mutter, “What do you mean? Everything is fine.”
“What’s going on, babe?” He was unconvinced.
“Well…I sort of took a pregnancy test, because I’m so late…And well…It sort of said that I’m pregnant.” I said it sheepishly and apologetically. He was smiling with his mouth, but the rest of his face looked petrified. I think it was so unexpected that neither of us knew how to react. We spent the rest of that day floating the river with family, each of us with silent butterflies inside. I couldn’t sleep that night, but we had the most epic pillow talk about our future little one. It was very exciting, but so unnerving.
The next day was my first day of work at my new job. I talked with my doctor, and continued to feel anxious and giddy. We decided not to tell anyone until the 12 week mark, just to be safe. I couldn’t help but over-think the entire thing. Are we ready for this? Financially? Mentally? Spiritually? Are we ready to become a threesome after being a twosome for six years? Would my insurance cover everything? What about all those gin and tonics I’d been drinking over the past month?!
What felt like every 20 minutes, I prayed for the health of me, the baby, and for my nerves to be calmed. My emotions were out of control, though. I cried at work while watching a video about teamwork. I cried talking to Matt about how much everything would be changing for us. I cried when I thought about telling our families the news and how excited they’d be for us.
When Tuesday morning arrived, I went to work–the second day at my new job. I felt slightly settled and like I could get used to this pregnancy thing. Mid-morning, I started to have cramps. I went to the bathroom and noticed that I was bleeding a bit. I felt panic pulse through my body. I knew this was not OK. I called my doctor immediately and she told me I needed to go and get my blood drawn right away. She wanted to do some testing. I began to lose it. Mid-blood draw, I started bawling like a little baby and spilled my emotional guts to the nurse. Embarrassed, I tried to sneak out of the office, but by the time I got to the car, my cramps had become painful contractions and my sobbing turned to wailing. I knew that my brief pregnancy was over.
Later that day, my doctor called with my lab results. She said that I was 4 weeks along in my pregnancy but that my progesterone levels were too low to maintain it. She explained that I was miscarrying, and told me what to expect. I already knew what was happening, but when I heard her say it I fell to the floor. My heart was completely obliterated
. I couldn’t think or rationalize, I could only weep. Beyoncé described her miscarriage in a simple and perfect way, that it was “the saddest thing” that she has gone through. I can say without question that I, too, was at my saddest, darkest and most confused time. Beyoncé also wrote a song about the experience that resonated with my feelings. Here is part of the song:
“I guess love just wasn’t enough for us to survive. I swear I swear I swear I tried. You took the life right out of me. I’m so unlucky I can’t breathe.” ~Beyoncé